Choices....why do we do what we do?

Have you ever wondered why we do what we do?

I guess you could say that we work because we need to eat, or that we play because we like to have fun, or that we get married and have kids because we don’t want to be alone.

Can all our choices come down to such simple reasoning?  I don’t think so---

I have to believe there is something deeper

Deeper in our thoughts

Deeper in our hearts

I have to believe that there is something deep within us that drives us to pick one choice over another.

Why is it that sometimes we do that exact thing that we promised ourselves WE WERE NOT going to do?  I used to believe that I was the only one who ever let myself down like that.  I would feel like such a failure.  So why do we promise ourselves we won’t do those things anyway?  And why does it bother us so much when we mess up and do them?

How do priorities, goals, and choices relate to each other?  What influences our priorities? In other words what is it that pushes us to pick one choice option over another?

When I was about ten I lived next door to a guy who seemed to have it all together.  This guy was amazing.  He was the first person I knew with a stretch Lincoln, he had a customized Corvette, a really awesome house, a motor boat, he had a sail boat that my brother and I could water ski behind, and OH yea, he had lots of money.  He didn’t just have all that stuff, but he was good at everything he did.  We used to race sail boats together.  He always won.  He was a successful attorney, investor, judge, and business man.

You know what else—he liked kids and he was a really nice guy.  He had it all.  I used to go over to his house and sit on his porch swing and he would talk to me about life.  One day he told me about goals.  He pulled out a piece of paper from his shirt pocket and showed me what was written on it.  I can’t remember what it said but I can imagine.  I figure it said things like—Mary a knock out blond by 32.  Be a millionaire by 35.  Be the first in the neighborhood to have a Ferrari.  Retire by 45.  Own a home in the islands by 50.  Travel the world by 55.  Things like that.

He then went on to tell me how important it is to have our goals written down, to read them every day, and to carry them with us at all times.  He explained to me that by doing this he could make sure he would always make the right choices in life.  He would only make the choices that would help him reach his goals.  He explained to me that making the right choices would lead to him getting what he wanted.  He explained to me that making the right choices proves that our goals are a priority in our lives.

In other words, making the right choices proves that we really put our trust and faith into our goals.  He said to me that if we don’t make the right choices we never really believed in our goals or in our own ability to accomplish them.  He was a really great teacher.  Maybe this lesson took place over several sittings but when I look back it seems like it was just one lesson.  He told me that we should set goals that will stretch us.  He said that a good goal is one that will make us work hard and one that will push us to make choices that won’t be easy to make.  He told me that having long term goals will help us avoid poor choices that are based on instant gratification.  He had so much confidence.  He believed in himself.  And from what I could tell he accomplished everything he set his mind to.

He also taught me that if we fail to accomplish a goal we shouldn’t let it set us back.  Sometimes things happen in life.  He told me about things that he had written down on his little piece of paper that he had told himself he was going to have already and that he didn’t.  He said sometimes he had to re-evaluate his life and from time to time, he had to push goals back to a time that met this little formula he had—you know the balance between stretching himself and what was practical.

I really don’t know if he left anything out.  His teachings were so complete.  He taught me how goals, priorities, and choices go hand in hand.  He taught me how to set high goals but not to feel like a failure when I didn’t reach them.  He taught me how to have self confidence, how to work hard, play hard, and how to make the right choices.  He taught me how to set goals, make them priorities, and how to make choices that prove that those goals are the focus of my life.

During this same time period I got my first test.

When I was about nine, my dad told me that if I wanted a car when I turned 16 I had better start working.  I knew I would want a car so I agreed and started working full time that summer.  From that time on I worked every chance I got.  By the time I was 16 I had earned and saved up $10,000.  I had taken that goal my dad had given me seriously and made it a priority in my life.  I remember how hard I worked and how I denied myself candy, gum, playing video games, and other fun stuff to save my money for the car I would some day own.  I can’t even begin to imagine how many gallons of blood stained sweat went into earning that money.

I bought that first car just before I turned 16.  It was a 1969 Mustang.  By the time I was 17 it was beautiful.  It was midnight blue, aluminum wheels, nice tires, perfect interior, working AC,….  It was a nice ride.  For my 18^th birthday present to myself I put a new motor in it.  I had the machine shop duplicate a build I had torn out of a Car Craft magazine for years earlier.

There I was 18 years old with a car that was way nicer than what I thought I would have when I was nine and started working toward this goal.  It had the motor that I had been dreaming of for four years.  It had been with me since I had started High School.  I had transformed it and it had transformed me.  It was one of the nicest looking cars at the school and one of the fastest on the streets.

Going back to my neighbor’s formula I would say that I had done really well by his standards.  My goals definitely stretched me and at the same time were reasonable.  I had worked hard, saved money, learned mechanic skills, and been patient.  I had made all the right choices.  When I wasn’t able to afford the motor I wanted when I wanted it I pushed the goal back and got what I was working for when I was able to save enough to afford it.

My neighbor taught me that happiness could be found in the satisfaction of accomplishment and that the things we collected along the way stand as reminders of our hard work and dedication.  In other words, the “stuff” we collect & our victories in life become trophies that say “Job well done!!”, “Here stands a reminder of your hard work!”, “Be proud, hold your head high, YOU DID IT!!”.

By this point over half my life had been focused on reaching these goals and I had finally reached them.  According to my tutor’s formula I should have been happy, proud, and full of self confidence.  But I wasn’t. 

For some reason I was feeling empty inside, I had become angry, I didn’t care about anything, and I had basically lost my motivation and drive in all areas of my life.

I think there was a part of me that saw my neighbor in his life.  I saw my mom and dad in their life, and I saw other families that my parents knew.  I saw a lot of pain, sorrow, broken promises, self destruction, and misery—all from people who were working hard and accomplishing their goals.  I saw that something just wasn’t adding up and I couldn’t figure it out.  I was beginning to realize that my neighbor’s formula wasn’t fool proof.

I realized that having the trophies didn’t really mean that much to me.  I realized that things would never make me happy.  I realized that accomplishing my goals wouldn’t provide me the happiness I was looking for.

So I ask you this:

How did I end up spending the next 30 years of my life working toward reaching my goals, acquiring stuff, building wealth, and never being happy?  Why had I abused my Mustang so badly that it was trashed by the time I was 21?  Why had I been married and divorced to my first wife by the same age?  Why was I divorced again by the time I was in my early 30s?  Why was I on a self destructive path even as late as 8 years ago when I found myself feeling like I was on the brink of a 3^rd failed marriage?

…….to be continued tomorrow.