Continued from Part 1 from yesterday.......
I’m not going to drag you through the depths of all the
things that changed me. What is
important to realize is that through the experiences of my life between the
time I was 9 and 18 I had changed. The
basic goal behind all my priorities had become this huge need to feel
important, be noticed, fit in, and be loved.
It’s funny because as I watch TV and see the ads I realize
that what I was doing is exactly what the commercials sell us. Every commercial tells the same story. If you own this, or use this product,
everyone is going to like you, the ladies are going to lust after you, the guys are going to appreciate you, and your
life will be happy and complete. I knew
that my neighbor’s formula for happiness wasn’t right for me. So I changed it just a little. I figured if I did all those things for other
people and not for myself it would somehow bring me the happiness I wanted.
What I didn’t realize is that I was placing all of my
happiness on my ability to make other people happy, impressing them, or having
them react to me in a way that made me feel good about me. I don’t know if you have ever tried that but
for the most part it doesn’t work.
About eight years ago things started changing in my life. I have finally found the happiness I have
always been looking for. For me it
wasn’t that hard because the basic principal has always been there. I would always set goals and make choices in
an effort to make other people happy. I
would push myself to the limits of what I was capable of in an effort to be the
best person I was capable of being. Over
the last several years I have dropped the need
to “see” the response I was looking for.
This has taken some huge realizations on my part. I had to accept that:
Other people can not love me enough to keep me from hurting them.
If this is true, then it is only fair for me to realize that
I can’t love other people enough to keep them from hurting me.
In other words, I was living a dream that “happiness” has no
room for hurt, pain, or struggle. My
vision of happiness required too much of my loved ones, too much of myself, and
too much of the things I turned to when my loved ones let me down.
These three realizations have changed my life. Now when I play soccer I don’t worry so much
about what everyone else is thinking, I relax, and I just have fun. When I do things around the house I know it
makes my wife feel loved and good inside even if she is still in a bad mood
from a hard day’s work. When I do things
for my kids it makes me feel good to know that it helps them remember that they
are loved even if they are complaining about something else 10 minutes later.
Something really amazing has happened. As I have become less needy of getting the
response I wanted I have become less angry, less critical, and way more relaxed. As I have been transformed in these ways I
have seen the people around me change too.
As they have changed they have become happier, easier to get along with,
and there is more laughter and happiness in our home. As soon as I quit working toward making them
happy, I was able to be transformed into a person who quit keeping them from
being happy. Isn’t it funny how that
works?
There is something else I remember about my neighbor. Every year he used to throw a huge party for
his entire family. They would all come
over and swim, play games, go sailing, water skiing, and cook steaks on the
grill. He told me that he always wanted
a big family with lots of kids. Family
was really important to him.
About ten years ago he passed away. I didn’t spend much time with him between
those early years of my life and the day I went to his funeral. I saw him from time to time. I heard stories about him and his
family. I would bump into him and his
wife at parties from time to time. I saw
enough to know that what I heard was true.
I would be wiling to bet you something. Somewhere along the line either his “wanting
a big family” never made it onto his list, somewhere along the line it got
dropped, or just before he died he pushed it back again believing that maybe he
could cheat death long enough to see it happen.
As I look back, there is only one thing that I am aware of
that he wanted that he never had. The
family reunions ended, the big family never came. He had a lot of people at his funeral. I just don’t know how many of them were what
he considered “family”.
I wish he was alive today because I would really like to
talk to him about those conversations he and I had on his patio. I wonder how much he would change.
I wonder if he ever realized where he had gone astray.
I wonder if he ever figured it out.
I wonder how many people spend their last breaths thinking
the same things he was as he took his.
I may not accomplish everything he did but I do have the one
thing that I don’t believe he ever had.
The only trophy is the feeling in my heart. I have found happiness, contentment, and a
sense of well-being.
I pray the same for you.
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